Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Gone too soon

My dad never really lost a loved one until his father passed away at the age of 89. At that time my father was in his 60's and his father had lived a long life. He never had to experience the sadness of seeing someone you love have their life cut short.

I wish I could say the same thing. I feel like at my young age I have had to grieve a lot more than I would wish upon anyone.

A month before my wedding I received a phone call from my best friend. When I picked up the phone I heard him crying. He said she had been in a car accident and died. His girlfriend was gone. Just like that.  I felt my heart break for my friend. I don't remember what I said to him. I don't know if I tried to tell him it will be "ok". Really all I remember is crying with him on the phone. I had only met her briefly a few days before , but her death effected me. More than I thought it would. I was hurting for my friend and I thought I knew (somewhat) what my friend must be going through. 

It wasn't until a year later that I truly understood. Another friend had been having a rough time. He had made some bad decisions. Chosen the wrong friends. It wasn't anything that he couldn't overcome with time, but he didn't know that. He felt like what he had done could not be undone. He felt guilty of his actions and felt that their was no way out. He took his life. I received another phone call that changed my life forever. "Deane is dead". I can't remember for sure, but I think my reaction was (after I could breathe) was to scream "WHAT?" and immediately burst into tears. I always considered him one of my soul mates. I have been blessed to have a few of those. Ya know, people that just understand you. The ones that you allow to see you at 3 am when you are REALLY tired  and acting like an idiot. The ones that like you that way. The ones who understand your sense of humor because they have the same one. You have inside jokes that NEVER get old. Yeah, he was one of those. He will have been gone for 3 years this October and although I may not cry everyday or week or maybe month, I still have days here and there that I will break down and cry. I miss him.

If that wasn't enough...Last year I lost ANOTHER close friend. This particular friend had been battling addiction for quite some time. I heard him express over and over again that he wanted to be past these problems and start living a happy life. That alone made me sad. To me, that meant until he felt he had truly beat his addictions, he was unhappy, like constantly. I worried about him. I was scared that something would happen to him. To be honest, I thought it was going to be an overdose of some kind. He had confided in me that I wasn't too off about that because it had almost happened before. Then it came...another phone call. Only he didn't die of a drug or alcohol overdose, at least not directly. Instead, he had tried to rob a store and was shot. When I first heard Corey had died. I think I felt numb. I felt sad, but I didn't cry right away. I wasn't able to attend his funeral because I live out of state, but I did go to his grave site shortly after. I didn't cry there either. I don't know if it was because there was not a headstone yet or if something was protecting my heart from breaking again. I thought there was something wrong with me. I wondered to myself if I was getting "used to" losing people and that this is how I was going to be from now on. Void of emotion. My friend gave me a funeral program and I hung it on my picture board. I see it everyday along with a picture of my other friends grave site and one day. BAM! It finally hit me.  It was going to be a very long time before I get to see my friend. When I think about Corey I remember his sweetness. He was way more sentimental than anyone would have ever thought. He always made sure to address me by my name like he wanted me to know he knew exactly who he was talking to and he always said I love you when getting off of a phone call. Corey may have liked to sit back and watch , but I in some way knew that if ever I needed his help he would be there. Like if someone were in my face he would be right there to defend my honor. Like a brother would be. He was very protective. It is nice knowing you have someone like that one your side.

I received this link today to a video in Corey's memory. I didn't even get two seconds in before I started crying. He just looks so sweet and innocent and it makes me so sad....mad even, that drugs and alcohol ever entered his life. I miss him.

Having a child of my own now. My heart aches just at the thought of something happening to my daughter. Whether it is a tragic car accident, suicide, drugs, alcohol, etc... All I can do is pray that she will be strong enough to overcome any trial that may come her way. I hope she has a strong testimony of the gospel and is able to make good decisions. I hope that she is able to have friends as wonderful as mine and love them flaws and all.


Megs said...

Beautiful post Heather. Thanks for the link to Corey's video. I loved it.

Alysha said...

I had no idea Corey died, or that he struggled. The link was a beautiful tribute. What a rock you are to us and your daughter Heather. Love you.

Wendy Haught said...

Thanks for remembering Corey, Heather and for sharing the video link.